


Iceberg

by miss_whimsy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Counselling, Depression, Discussion of Infidelity, Discussion of Past Child Abuse, Family, Implied/Referenced Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-09 20:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10420881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_whimsy/pseuds/miss_whimsy
Summary: Future fic. Robert attends counselling to try to help with his depression and guilt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on my own experiences of counselling and depression. It is not anti-Robert so if that's what you're looking for please back out now. To me, Robert is a flawed, painfully human character who has made a horrendous mistake, which he deeply regrets. He is suffering internally as a consequence of that and he needs help to get to the root of his problems and try to overcome them. I do believe Aaron would also benefit from some therapy and would be more likely to seek it out after his prison ordeal, so Aaron is also attending counselling, but this story is Robert's experience, specifically.

There was a spot on Tuesday afternoons at four which Robert accepted immediately. Aaron gave a tiny nod of acknowledgement, looked like he wanted to say more, but instead squeezed Robert's shoulder and yelled for Liv to come and get her breakfast. 

Twelve weeks. Three months to see if he could fix his broken brain and his broken heart.

“You know it doesn’t work like that,” Aaron said one night, reaching for his hand a second time when Robert flinched away from him. “You don’t get fixed like that. It’s not a bone that gets knitted back together. But it gets easier. It hurts less.”

Robert didn’t want it to hurt less. There was a knot in his chest that made it hard to breathe. It was always there and Robert wanted it there. Like a weight, reminding him.

 

The waiting room was empty, save for a mother with the flu, valiantly trying to keep control of an energetic child. Robert sat in the opposite corner out of the way, checking his watch every thirty seconds as it ticked closer and closer to his appointment.

“Robert?”

A petite woman with grey hair and kind eyes had appeared beside him and he stood quickly. 

“Yes.”

“Hello,” she said, a slight Irish lilt making her soft tone warm. “I’m Orla. Would you like to come with me?”

She led him down a corridor and into an office at the end which was mostly windows. There was a desk and two chairs and that was pretty much it. 

“Take a seat,” she said, gesturing to the chairs and leaving him to pick one. “It’s not a test, don’t worry.”

Robert’s heart was hammering in his chest and he sat with his back to the window, hands clenched in his lap.

Orla sat opposite him and smiled. “Have you done this before?” 

Robert shook his head. “No.”

“You were referred by your doctor,” Orla said. “You didn’t want drugs?”

“I wanted to try this first,” Robert said and shrugged. He looked down at the desk, which was devoid of anything personal. There was a computer, a notepad and a box of tissues. Nothing to focus on. 

“Okay,” Orla said, gentle smile still in place when Robert’s eyes flicked back to her. “So tell me why you’re here, Robert.”

The knot in his chest squeezed upwards until it sat heavy in his throat. 

“I cheated on my husband.”

Orla’s face didn’t change. She didn’t move to make a note or look away to hide her disgust. Robert looked away instead, fighting to make the pain move back down to his heart.

“Do you want to talk about that?”

Robert shook his head. “What’s there to talk about? I did it.”

“You said it was why you’re here.”

“I don’t ever want to do it again,” Robert said. “I want to be faithful. I want to be the man he deserves.”

Something did flicker in Orla’s eyes then but Robert couldn’t make out what it was.

“Let’s start with something else then,” she said. “What’s your husband’s name?”

“Aaron.”

“Is he your age?”

“Six years younger.”

“How long have you been together?”

Robert shifted in his chair and closed his eyes. “It’s complicated.”

“Lucky for you there’s twelve sessions to fill,” Orla chuckled. “I’m not judging you, Robert. That’s not what I’m here for. You need help. You asked for help. I’m here to help.”

Robert met her eyes finally and nodded. “I had an affair with him, while I was married to a woman.”

“You’re bisexual?” Orla asked, open and easy and Robert couldn’t stop the half laugh that escaped him. “Is that funny?”

“Usually people assume I’m gay.”

“Are you gay?”

“No.”

“You identify as bisexual.”

“Yes.”

“And your husband?”

“Is gay.”

“Does he know why you’re here?”

Robert nodded. “Yes.”

“Not the depression,” Orla said. “Sorry, I should have been clear-”

“He knows I slept with someone else,” Robert told her. 

“You’ve talked about it?”

Robert nodded. 

“And he forgave you?”

Another nod.

“Have you forgiven yourself?”

Robert looked away again. 

“Okay,” Orla continued when Robert didn’t reply. “Tell me about Aaron. When did you meet him?”

 

If you wanted to get technical about it, Robert had met Aaron about fifteen years ago when he’d been a kid, running around the village on the odd weekend that he’d visited Chas. Robert didn’t remember any of that, though. He thought that Aaron must be somewhere in a memory, a frightened, broken child, already stronger than Robert could ever be, while Robert had been doing what he did best. Ruining other people’s lives.

The first clear memory Robert had of Aaron, was slamming open a barn door and seeing him standing in front of his stolen car. There was a vague outline of Ross in the background, but Robert liked to focus on Aaron and the way he’d stepped up to him, sure of himself, cocky and prickly and gorgeous. 

Robert had eyes. Of course he’d thought Aaron was gorgeous.

Not his type, though.

He didn’t have a type, not with men. Not that there were men. Not that there was anything that lasted longer than a handjob in a pub toilet or a fumble in a hotel room when he was away on business. It was just like scratching an itch and Aaron wasn’t anything like Robert’s usual way of dealing with it.

And then, of course, he’d spent time with him. 

Realised that Aaron wasn’t a waste of space like Ross.

Aaron had shoved him up against that wall.

_“I don’t want your thanks and I’m not your mate. So don’t be calling on my to do any more of your dirty work, ‘cause me and you are quits, right? Yeah do yourself a favour, stay out of my way, because if I catch you lording it about near me again, I’m going to wipe that smug smile right off your face. Understand me?”_

And Robert… well, Robert couldn’t remember ever feeling so turned on.

 

“So, that’s how it started? You wanted him and…?” 

Robert blinked, slightly surprised at being interrupted. “Yes, at first. I wanted him. So I pursued him. I’ve always done it. I wanted Katie…” He shook his head quickly. “I don’t want to talk about Katie. But I wanted her for so long. Loved her so much. Had an affair with her while she was married to my brother. And I still cheated on her.”

“So this is a pattern then?” Orla asked. “You recognise it as a pattern.”

“I didn’t think it would happen this time,” Robert said. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him. There is no one who can compare to him. He’s the best person in the world and he picked me. He loves me. Do you know what it feels like to be loved by someone you’re not worthy of?”

Orla didn’t answer yes or no. Instead, she tilted her head to the side and asked, “How does it feel?”

 

_“I never stopped.”_

 

Robert squeezed his eyes closed, pressed the heels of his hands against them. He wouldn’t cry. Not in front of a stranger. He wouldn’t allow himself to be weak. He could do this. He could be strong. He could be a man. He could make Aaron proud of him.

“You know, Robert,” Orla said, tapping his knee with the edge of the tissue box, “it might actually help if you cried. Everything that’s said in this room is between you and me. You can tell me anything. Trust me I’ve heard it all before.”

Which wasn’t true of course. There was plenty Robert couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t tell her about Katie or Paddy. He couldn’t tell her about the things he’d done to hurt Aaron back before they’d sorted themselves out. 

“I don’t know why he forgave me,” Robert said instead. “I thought I was going to lose him.”

“Did you want to lose him?” Orla asked.

“No, of course not,” Robert snapped and then sighed. “Shit. Sorry. I just.. No. No. I made a mistake.”

“Do you want to talk about it yet?”

Robert shook his head. 

Orla smiled. “There is no right or wrong answer here, Robert. These are your sessions. You get out of them what you want. I’m here to help guide you. Like I said, there’s no judgement.”

“Okay.”

“Do you know what you’d like the outcome to be?”

“I’d like to be able to look at my husband without hating myself.”

Orla nodded. “You know that might take longer than twelve weeks.”

“Yes,” Robert said. “I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Okay. Then tell me more about Aaron.”

 

“How did it go?”

Robert looked up from the TV when Liv perched on the arm of the chair next to him.

“It was fine,” he said, forcing a smile onto his face. “How are you?”

Liv narrowed her eyes at him and silently slid down onto his lap. She did this now when she needed a little bit of comfort - so she wouldn’t have to ask - or when she thought he needed comfort. They never talked about it. She didn’t know the specifics of what had happened, but she knew things were different and fragile. She was so careful around both of them now. It was just another reason to hate himself.

He wrapped his arms around her and she settled against him, with her head on his shoulder. “I know you’re not fine.”

“No,” he sighed, “but that’s why I’m going to the counsellor. Like Aaron. So we can get better.”

She hummed and he hugged her tighter, unsure of what else he could say.

“You need to stop sitting here,” she said, poking him in the chest. “I know why you do, but you need to sit over there.”

Robert tensed and looked down at the top of her head, horrified for a moment.

She didn’t look up at him but tightened her arms around him. “I’m not stupid, Robert. He wants you to sit next to him.” 

The lump was back in Robert’s throat. “I can’t.”

“You can,” she insisted. “You have to try or else what’s the point?”

“Liv come and open this door!” Aaron yelled from the hallway and Liv jumped up to open it. “What’s it closed for anyway?”

Robert took the opportunity to move from the chair to the sofa, pressing himself into the corner across from Aaron’s usual seat. He rested his trembling hands on his knees when the door swung open and Aaron hesitated, his eyes widening a little when he noticed where Robert was sitting. He looked so happy. Robert felt sick.

“I made us a cuppa,” Aaron said, gesturing carefully with the three mugs in his hands. Liv took one and returned to the armchair, curling into a ball, looking a little more relaxed.

Aaron set the cups down on the table and sat on the sofa. The smile he gave Robert was almost blinding. 

“It went well then?”

Robert thought back to the session with Orla. The way he'd spent most of his time talking about Aaron and those early days. He couldn't imagine how this feeling could ever leave him. Couldn't believe he'd ever want it to. 

“Yeah,” he said and picked up his mug. “It was good.”


	2. Chapter 2

Robert woke up crying.

His face was wet with tears, his heart pounding in his chest as though he'd been running. He was curled up on the edge of the bed, making himself as small as possible. A glance over his shoulder showed him Aaron, peaceful in sleep, his arm stretched out towards Robert. 

He slid silently from the bed and slipped from the room, hurrying down the hall to the living room where he could collapse onto the sofa. 

Aaron found him there ten minutes later with his head in his hands, staring into the empty fireplace.

“Rob?”

Robert jumped and jerked back away from the hand Aaron had settled on his knee without him noticing. 

“Shit,” Robert gasped. “Sorry. Are you okay? Why aren't you in bed?”

“Well, I was going to ask you both of those questions,” Aaron said, holding out his hand for Robert to take. 

“It's nothing,” Robert said, giving Aaron's hand a squeeze. He tried to let go but Aaron wouldn't let him, threading their fingers together.

“It's not nothing,” Aaron said. “Talk to me. Please.”

“I can't,” Robert choked out. “I can't put all of this on you.”

“It's already on me, Robert,” Aaron said. “You're my husband. I support you.”

“Well you shouldn't,” Robert said. “I'm not worth it.”

“You are to me,” Aaron told him. “Robert. You’re everything to me.” 

Robert shook his head slightly, closing his eyes when Aaron pulled him in close against his chest and leant back against the arm of the sofa. 

“Rest,” he said, stroking his hands over Robert’s back. “I’ve got you.”

 

“I don’t deserve him,” Robert told Orla the following afternoon. He’d chosen the seat facing the window this time, which meant he could look at the tree outside, branches waving in the breeze, instead of Orla’s sympathetic face.

“You said that last week too,” Orla said. “Why do you think you don’t deserve him?”

“Isn’t sleeping with someone else enough?”

“Maybe,” Orla said. “Try this then. What does he deserve?”

“Everything.”

Orla breathed out a laugh. “That’s a very romantic sentiment,” she said, “but not very helpful. Tell me, if you had to pick the perfect man for Aaron, what would you be looking for?”

Robert sighed and fidgeted in his seat. “Someone kind. Someone who’ll be there for him whenever he needs them. Someone who’ll support him and stand by him. Someone who’ll never hurt him.”

“Okay,” Orla said. “How realistic is that?” 

Robert frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“You can’t promise to never hurt someone. It’s impossible.”

“Not everyone would betray him.”

“No. Not everyone would. But that doesn’t make them better for him than you. The only person who can decide what’s good for Aaron is Aaron.”

Robert rubbed his hands over his face. Orla was trying, but she couldn’t understand.

“I have another question,” Orla said, “while we’re on the subject. What do you deserve?”

“What?”

“You’ve been talking a lot about what he deserves, but what do you deserve?”

One of the branches tapped against the window and Robert focused on that as he struggled to find the words.

 

_“Always knew you were wrong for Aaron. I told him so many times. After what you did to Katie and then Chrissie. The countless lives that you’ve ruined. But I convinced myself that you’d changed. Because Aaron loved you. But I was wrong. Because you are still the same pathetic, twisted little boy that you always were. Only you got very good at hiding it._

 

“Nothing,” Robert breathed out. “I don’t deserve anything. All I do is hurt people. I always have.”

“On purpose?”

Robert blinked furiously, trying to stem the tears he could feel threatening to fall. “Sometimes.”

“This time?” Orla asked. “Was this time to hurt Aaron?”

Robert nodded. He could feel his cheeks burning with shame. “Yes. I wanted to hurt him.”

“Why?”

“He hurt me.”

“How?”

Robert took a deep breath and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make what I did right.”

“No,” Orla agreed, “it doesn’t. But there’s a reason you did it.”

Robert shook his head again, stared down at his hands. “There’s no excuse.”

“I didn’t say excuse. I said reason.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“I don’t think it is,” Orla told him. “For example, when you started your affair with Aaron, was that to punish Chrissie?”

Robert looked up in surprise. “What? No.”

“It wasn’t that you wanted to do something to hurt her?”

“No,” Robert said. “I just wanted him. I was being selfish.”

“And this time you didn’t want Rebecca?”

“No. No, it wasn’t about her.”

“It was about Aaron.”

“Yes.” Robert frowned and looked back out of the window again. They sat in silence for a moment, Orla waiting patiently for him to speak.

“I don’t understand how it’s better that I wanted to hurt him.”

“I didn’t say it was better,” Orla said. “Just that it’s different.”

“I really thought I wouldn’t do it,” Robert said. “I promised to be faithful to him and I couldn’t do it.”

“Why did you think it would be different this time?”

Robert laughed, bitterly. “Because I’m an idiot.”

“No, no,” Orla said. “It’s a serious question. “Why was it different this time?”

“Because I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him.”

“Not your wife? Not Katie.”

“No,” Robert said firmly. “I told you, I don’t want to talk about Katie.”

“Oh, I think we’re going to have to talk about her eventually, Robert,” Orla told him. “But we don’t have to right now. Let’s go back to Chrissie. Did you never consider being faithful to her?”

 

_“I love Chrissie. Once I exchange vows with her there’s no way I’m cheating on her.”_

 

“Yes,” Robert said. “I thought it’d be different with her too.”

“And what happened?”

“Aaron happened.”

“And this time Rebecca happened?”

“No,” Robert said, shifting forward in his seat, agitated. “I told you. It wasn’t about her. I don’t want her. I never have.”

“Then why sleep with her?” Orla asked. “Not just this time, but before, when you were with Chrissie.”

Robert closed his eyes and thought about it. He thought about Rebecca. Her pretty face and big smile and it was just so…

“Easy,” he sighed. “It was easy. She wanted me. I didn’t have to do anything. We had fun. We used to have fun. And sex is fun and she was there and she wanted to, so why not?”

“So why not stick with Rebecca?” Orla asked. “Why not have an easy life? Why choose Chrissie? Why choose Aaron?”

“Don’t…” Robert stopped and rubbed his face again. “Don’t compare them. Chrissie and Aaron. It’s not the same.”

“Robert,” Orla sighed, “I’m not trying to compare them. I’m trying to make you talk through your own admitted pattern of behaviour. You love Aaron. I believe that. You loved your wife, yes? Not as much, but more than anyone who’d come before.”

Robert’s eyes flicked away. All he could see was Katie’s broken body.

“Ah,” Orla said. “See, I knew we’d have to come back to Katie.”

“I loved Chrissie,” Robert said, ignoring her. “There was no contest between her and Rebecca. Chrissie was strong and independent and she argued with me all the time. She was smart and funny and brave. That’s why I chose her.”

“But it wasn’t enough.”

“No.”

“Is Aaron enough?”

“Yes!”

“Then why sleep with Rebecca?”

“Because he didn’t need me,” Robert snapped, raising his voice as it all came spilling out. “He said I was no use to him. He gave up on us. Three weeks and he didn’t care anymore about me or Liv or Chas. He was taking stupid risks, getting into trouble. I was trying to sort out his appeal and he was jeopardising everything. Taking drugs. Just Spice, he said. Like it was nothing. Like that stuff doesn’t ruin people’s lives. He gave up on us and walked away…”

“So you gave up on him,” Orla continued when Robert couldn’t. “Just for an hour. Just until you sobered up, but in that time you wanted to hurt him as much as he’d hurt you.”

“He told me what he went through inside,” Robert said and he could feel the tears on his face this time but he couldn’t stop them. “He told me what they did to him. How they tortured him. What he had to do just to survive. And all that time…”

“No,” Orla said. “No, Robert, not all that time. All that time you were looking after Liv. All that time you were helping to run two businesses. All that time you trying to live without your husband and worrying about what he was going through. Not all that time. Just an hour.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said through a sob. “I couldn’t sleep without him. I was so tired. I was so scared for him. He needed me and I gave up on him.”

“Just for a moment.”

“That’s all it took to ruin everything, though. That’s all it’s ever taken.”

 

Robert wanted to ask why Aaron was still there. He wanted to ask, after everything that had happened between them, how Aaron could still love him. He wanted to know, but he didn’t deserve to know, so he lay still on his back when Aaron slipped into bed beside him and didn’t move when he shifted onto his side to face him.

“How did it go?” Aaron asked.

“It was good.”

Carefully, so carefully, Aaron moved closer and slipped an arm around Robert’s waist. 

“Is this okay? Will it help.”

Robert covered Aaron’s hand with his own and rolled onto his side, pulling Aaron close so he’d curl around Robert’s back. 

He felt Aaron release a shaky breath against his neck and then a gentle press of lips to his skin. 

“Sleep, then,” Aaron said. “I’ve got you.”


	3. Chapter 3

“And then she said that it was my fault! I don’t understand her sometimes.”

Liv stopped talking, aware that Robert, who had been beside her only seconds before, had fallen behind. She turned and saw him frozen to the spot a few paces back, his eyes wide and fixed on Bob’s café.

“Robert?” She walked back over to him and noticed he was breathing a little too fast. “Rob!”

He inhaled sharply and reared back, stumbling slightly as he turned and hurried back down the street towards home. 

She pulled out her phone and called Aaron.

 

“How have you been this week, Robert?” Orla asked when they were both seated. Robert was facing the windows again.

“Fine,” he replied automatically.

“Can you expand on that slightly?”

Robert looked at her properly for the first time that day and she smiled.

“There’s not really any point in lying to me. It’s not going to help you in the long run. If you want this to be successful then you should be as honest as you can.”

Robert let out a long breath, shoulders slumped and heavy. Everything felt heavy these days. Everything felt like an effort.

“I think I had a panic attack,” he said as last, clenching and unclenching his hands against his thighs. His fingers were tingling. “I saw her, going into the café this morning. Me and Liv were supposed to be getting breakfast. I think I scared her. Liv, I mean.”

Orla didn’t speak. She was good like that. She knew when to wait.

“I thought I was having a heart attack,” he continued. “Just the thought of seeing her. I felt sick. I felt dirty. I still do. I want to scrub it off me. I want to erase it from my memory.”

“What happened?”

“I went home,” Robert said. “I don’t really remember. I was in the street and the I was at home. Liv was there and then Aaron…”

The faintest smile appeared on Orla’s face. “I’m glad they were there for you.”

“Are you?” Robert asked. “I’m not.”

Orla looked confused. “You’re not?”

“Why should they have to look after me? Why should they comfort me when this is all my fault?”

“They want to support you,” Orla said. “They love you.”

“They shouldn’t.”

“That’s not your choice to make,” Orla told him firmly. “You don’t get to decide who other people care about, any more than you decide who you care about.”

Robert shook his head. Aaron and LIv would be better off without him. Everyone would be.

“Robert,” Orla said. “Robert. Can you tell me what you’re thinking right now?”

He could feel his knuckles digging into his thighs.

“Robert.” Orla’s voice was louder this time, determined. Robert looked up. She was sitting on the edge of her seat now, leaning towards him. “Are you back?”

“Back?”

“It’s been about five minutes,” she said.

Robert frowned. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to apologise for here,” she said, kindly. “But I do think you could do with something to focus on.” She stood and rounded the desk, searching through the drawers for a minute until she found what she was looking for and pulled out a sheaf of papers.

“I have some worksheets that I’d like you to start using this week and next week we can discuss how useful they’ve been. Can you do that do you think?”

Robert nodded slowly, shifting in his seat to look at the pages Orla was laying out on the desk. “What are they?”

“There’s a few different things,” she said. “Until we find out what we need to focus on.” She pushed the first worksheet forward. “This one is about exploring your values. What matters to you most. It’s going to help you understand what’s important to you, what you want. It covers all aspects of life. If you think something isn’t at all important to you, you can skip it.”

Robert picked up the worksheet and read the instructions, glancing over the symbols at the top of the page. “I think I can do that.”

“Good,” Orla said, smiling. She pushed the second sheet towards him. This one is to help with your negative thoughts.”

“My what?”

“Robert, you’re in a place right now where you hate yourself. From the few things you’ve said about your early life, I think it’s been going on longer than this situation. You’ve told me a dozen times that you’re not worthy of Aaron. That he’s better off without you. So what I’m asking you to do is to start challenging those thoughts.”

Robert frowned. “But they’re true.”

“No, they’re what you believe,” Orla said. “That’s not the same thing.”

“I hurt him. I betrayed him.”

“And I’m suggesting that you did that because you believe you’re always going to let down the people you love. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect that you’ll hurt people eventually because that’s what you tell yourself. Then something happens that causes a difficulty or someone says something to confirm what you already think and you immediately set out to prove them right. And that comes from your own negative thoughts about yourself. So there are seven sheets there. One per day. Have a go.”

Robert nodded again but this time he didn’t pick up the worksheet. A quick glance at the questions made his heart race 

Orla pushed the third sheet towards him. “This one I want you to do with Aaron.”

“No.”

“Yes,” Orla said, taking her seat again. “Robert, do you want your relationship with Aaron to work? Regardless of whether or not you think you deserve it, do you want it to work?”

“More than anything,” Robert said, nodding. “That’s all I want.”

“Then you have to start talking to each other. Actual conversations about important things. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, in fact I can tell you right off, it will be difficult, it will be painful, but if you want things to work you have to try. I think you can do it. Are you willing to try?”

 

Robert dropped his keys in the dish on the hall table and kicked off his shoes.

“Robert?”

“Yeah,” Robert said, following the sound of Aaron’s voice into the kitchen. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Aaron greeted him, looking up from the onions he was chopping. “Spag Bol for tea, that alright?”

Robert nodded and sat down at counter opposite him. “Yeah, it’s great. Thanks.”

Aaron smiled and lifted the chopping board to slide the onions into the pan on the hob. “Not that you have a choice.”

Robert smiled a little in return. “No I suppose not.”

The onions were mixed into the mince and tomatoes already simmering and then Aaron covered the pan and moved to sit down next to Robert. 

“How did it go?”

“It was fine.”

Aaron nodded slowly, watching him. “I’m going to buy you a thesaurus so that next week you can use another word.”

“I said good last time,” Robert pointed out.

“And this week wasn’t good?”

Robert sighed and then laughed slightly. “You should think about taking it up yourself.”

“No, no,” Aaron said, refusing to let him change the subject, “we do me on Thursdays. Tuesdays are about you. What happened today? Why just fine?”

“She wants me to fill out some worksheets,” Robert told him. “About my values and my negative thoughts.”

Aaron nodded slowly, reaching out to take hold of Robert’s hand. “Good. I had to do some. Not those ones, but they helped. They’ll help.”

Robert took a deep breath and said in a rush, “She gave me one for us to do together.”

“Okay,” Aaron said gently, smiling. “Is that a bad thing?”

“You already have enough on…”

“If I came home with something for us to work on, would you do it?”

“Of course!”

“Well then,” Aaron said and raised Robert’s hand to his lips. “I love you.”

Robert leant forward until his head was resting on Aaron’s shoulder. “We have to fill in the form separately and then talk about it. She said to put some time aside, maybe one night when…”

“Let’s do it now,” Aaron said. “We can fill them out before dinner and talk about them after.”

Robert stared at him, nervous. “Now?”

“Why not?”

Robert couldn’t think of a reason that wasn’t fear. “Now it is.”


	4. Chapter 4

It was quiet but comfortable, just the two of them. Aaron talked about his day and how things were going at the scrapyard, how nervous Adam was at the thought of Vic getting pregnant, how his mum had invited them round for Sunday dinner.

“I said no to this week,” Aaron told him when they moved into the living room. “I thought, after this morning, we might wait a few weeks. She asked after you, though.”

Robert didn’t know what to say. He missed Chas. He missed her smiles and her hugs. He missed her trust. He felt like he’d lost another mother.

Aaron set a cup of tea down in front of Robert and then pulled the worksheet he’d filled in out of his pocket. “Do you want to go first or should I?

“I…”

“I’ll go,” Aaron said, and Robert wondered if he could ever be as brave as Aaron was, if he could ever have even half of his strength. “Okay, three qualities that initially attracted me to you.” He looked up and winked. 

Robert laughed and relaxed slightly. “I didn’t put your arse on my list, but it’s up there.”

“Good to know,” Aaron said, grinning. “Okay, number one, your confidence. Some might say arrogance. I’ve never really had any in myself so, seeing you, it was like, like - I don’t even know how to describe it. It made me want to be close to you.”

Robert watched Aaron speak, listened to the words. How could he ever have doubted him? Even for one second.

“Um,” Aaron continued, “I don’t know if this is a quality, but there’s your face. Let’s not pretend that that wasn’t part of it. You’re really hot.”

“Thank you,” Robert laughed. “I have your face on my list too.”

Aaron grinned. “Specifically, though, your smile. I love your smile. It does things to me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Aaron nodded. “It made me angry sometimes because all you had to do was smile at me and it felt like I’d fall down at your feet.”

“Aaron…”

“No,” Aaron said, forestalling him. “Happy things only. Three, well, this is going to sound odd because that first year was a mess, but honestly, you’re so thoughtful sometimes. When I wasn’t expecting it, you’d do something or say something to make me feel good. Even when there was nothing in it for you. Sometimes I used to think there were two different Roberts. But really it’s all just you. A beautiful mess that I have loved so long I can’t remember what it feels like not to love you.”

 

“How was this week, Robert? Did you do all the worksheets?”

“Yes,” Robert said, pulling the papers from his inside pocket. “The values one was easy. My marriage and my family are the most important things in my life, followed by work.”

“Did you come up with some ideas for improving in those areas of your life?” 

Robert nodded. “Yeah and I talked to Aaron and Liv about it, and then to my sister…”

“That’s wonderful,” Orla said, smiling. “How did it go?”

“It was terrifying,” Robert said. “I think Vic was quite surprised I wanted to talk to her about things, but she was brilliant. She always is.”

“Does she know what happened?”

“Yes,” Robert admitted. “I told her, just after I told Aaron. She was angry. I was so scared I’d ruined things with her too.” He shrugged, looking down at the sheets in his hands. “But Vic’s always been a better person than me.”

“But now you’re talking about how to improve things and involving the people you love. That’s a good step.” She waited a moment to see if he would say anything else and then continued when he didn’t. “What about the negative thoughts?”

“Um, that was more difficult,” Robert said. “I didn’t really know how to start. But I wrote, every day like you said. And writing down things to counter the thoughts did help. I don’t know if I believe the good things I wrote.”

“Do you think you could continue it?”

“I think so,” Robert nodded. “I thought..”

“Yes?”

Robert took a deep breath. “I thought maybe I could talk to Aaron about it sometimes.”

Orla smiled. “I think that would help you quite a lot.”

Robert nodded and smiled slightly. “Yeah.”

“Did you do the couples worksheet?”

He nodded again. “Yes, we did it last Tuesday when I got home.”

“And how did that go?”

 

“My favourite memories with my partner,” Aaron read out, moving onto the second section of the worksheet. “All of these are non-sex related,” he said wiggling his eyebrows at Robert, “but you should know that I could fill this whole page with the good sex memories. Front and back.”

Robert laughed and the knot in his chest loosened a little more. “Same.”

“Good,” Aaron said. “Okay, number one, our wedding. It was mad and strange and perfect, just like us. I still can’t believe you did that for me. Just to make me happy. This is what I mean about you being thoughtful. That was all for me and Liv. We both knew exactly how much you loved us that day. Nothing can take that away from me, Robert.”

Robert reached out instinctively and Aaron caught his hand immediately, squeezing it, holding it against his chest. 

“Okay?”

Robert couldn’t speak, but he nodded.

“Two, okay, this is going back a bit. Do you remember the first time we ever stayed in a hotel? Not after we got together, I mean the actual first time. We sneaked off to Leeds and you were showing off.”

“Uh, yeah, I remember,” Robert said, confused. “That’s one of your favourite memories?”

“Yes,” Aaron said, with a smile that shouldn’t have been so easy, given what they were talking about. “That’s when I realised I was in love with you.”

Robert stared at Aaron in shock, his eyes filling with tears. He bit down on his tongue and blinked until the urge to cry subsided. 

“I woke up in the middle of the night and you had your arm around me,” Aaron said, reaching out to cup Robert’s cheek. “And I thought I never wanted it to end. That I would have given anything to keep you there and have you be mine. I’d never felt that before. It was scary and new, but I loved it. I loved you.”

“Aaron…”

“And three,” Aaron continued, talking over Robert, “is that time in York before we went to see Sandra. You said you’d wait for me.”

Robert did cry then, covering his face with his hands and his lowered his head, ashamed. 

Aaron moved to kneel on the floor in front of him, wrapping his arms tightly around Robert’s waist. “It’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “I always know. But you have to know that when it gets too much, when everything hurts and I get scared and I don’t know how I can cope any longer, I take that memory out and I think about how strong you are and how much you love me. I know you love me.”

 

“We talked a lot,” Robert told Orla. “About all sorts. Well, he talked a lot. I cried.”

Orla laughed, pleased when Robert smiled. “Did it help you?”

“Yes,” Robert said. “We’ve never talked about a lot of things before. The affair and what happened after that. The effect it had on us. How we see each other.” Robert shrugged. “We didn’t cover everything, but we made a start.”

“Do you think you’ll carry on?”

“I think so,” Robert said. “I hope so.”

“I’m glad to hear it, Robert. It sounds like you’ve made an important step. Do you want to share any of what you talked about?”

 

They ended up stretched out on the sofa together, foreheads touching, legs tangled together.

“We’ll get through this, won’t we?” Robert asked quietly.

“Yes,” Aaron answered, sounding certain. “We will. Together. Because that’s what we’ve always done.”

Robert took Aaron’s hand and linked their fingers. “Together.”


	5. Chapter 5

Robert didn't notice the time. He was aware that the light had started to fade, but he couldn't force himself to move. He knew Aaron was waiting for him at home. He knew he was worried about him. He must be. Robert should have been home hours ago. 

"What are you doing here?"

Aaron's voice made him jump. He turned his head just as Aaron rounded the car. Robert hadn’t even heard him walking over. Aaron settled down on the bonnet close to him, their arms pressed firmly together. 

"I just needed to think."

"I was worried about you," Aaron said. "I've been looking all over."

Robert bit his tongue.

"Well, the pub," Aaron said. "And the café and the shop. There's not a lot of places to hide."

"I could have been with someone else."

Aaron sighed and dropped his head forward, staring down at the ground for a moment. "No. Robert, I trust you."

"Why?" Robert asked. "I don't understand why."

"What happened today? And don't say nothing," Aaron said. "I know something did. Was it your counselling? What did you talk about?"

 

“We've talked a lot about Aaron,” Orla said when Robert had finished his usual run down of his week. “I'd like to talk about some of your other relationships.”

“I don't want to talk about Katie,” Robert said immediately. 

“Don't you think it might help?” Orla asked. “We always seem to end up coming back to her.”

Robert shook his head. “It won't help.”

“Why not?”

“She'll still be dead.”

Orla inhaled sharply. “Robert…”

“You want to talk about her, fine,” Robert spat. “I loved her and I hated her and we ruined each other's lives.”

“Robert…”

“She was all I wanted for so long. I would have done anything to have her and then when I did, when she was mine, I threw it all away.”

“Robert…”

“And you know what? I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to do it again. I'm scared I'll lose Aaron and it’ll be a million times worse because he means a million times more than she did. Either I'll screw up or I'll push him away or he'll realise he can do better than me. I mean Katie always loved Andy more than me. Everyone always loved Andy more. Someday Aaron will find someone better and he'll leave me too, so…”

“So?” Orla prompted when Robert ran out of steam. 

“So, why not just hurry it along? The sooner I fuck it all up, the sooner he'll move on and be happy.”

Orla nodded slowly taking in everything Robert had said. 

“Andy’s your brother?”

Robert laughed. “Of course. Of course, you want to talk about Andy. Everyone always wants to talk about him. He’s the prince.”

“I don’t want to talk about him,” Orla said. “You brought him up.”

“Talking about Katie just means talking about Andy.”

“Was she with him first?”

Robert nodded. “Their eyes met across a crowded detention room.”

“And you were jealous?”

“Always.”

“Because you liked her?”

“Because he always got whatever he wanted. He was always everyone’s favourite.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because it’s true!” Robert insisted. “My dad loved him more. Even after he…”

“He?”

“Nothing,” Robert said, looking out of the window. “He was just everything my dad wanted in a son and I wasn’t.”

“And you blamed Andy for that.”

Robert set his jaw, looked up at the ceiling. 

“Is that why you wanted Katie? Because she was Andy’s girlfriend?”

“No,” Robert said, shaking his head. “Yes. Maybe at first. But I loved her. I wanted her to be with me. I tried for so long to win her. I asked her to marry me. I thought she was it for me.”

“What happened?”

“It was exciting,” Robert said and shrugged. “I don’t know. Having an affair. I wanted the thrill. It was… intoxicating. Getting away with something. Getting what I wanted, even though I knew it would eventually go to hell.”

Orla watched him for a moment, nodding. “Is that always how it is? Is that how it was with Aaron?”

Robert looked back at her sharply. “What?”

“What’s a bigger thrill than having an affair with a man under the nose of your family, who has no idea you're even interested in men?”

“No,” Robert protested. “I don’t…”

“Robert, I’m not calling into question how you feel about Aaron. You fell in love with him, yes, but at the start, it was exciting and dangerous and you love exciting and dangerous.”

“Yes.”

“Was it exciting and dangerous this time? With Rebecca?”

Robert closed his eyes and shook his head. “No. I didn’t do it for the thrill of it. I felt empty.”

“And afterwards?”

“Dirty. Ashamed.”

“Did you ever feel like that before? When you were cheating on Katie? Or Chrissie?”

“No,” Robert confessed. “Does that make me a terrible person?”

“I don’t know, Robert,” Orla said. “I think it says a lot about you that you feel different now.”

“I still did it, though.”

“Robert, no-one one does anything for nothing. We do things for love, for lust, for money. We do things to feel alive, to feel safe, to feel anything at all. It may not be a good reason but I need you to see there's a difference between what you did this time and what you did before. In your own behaviour and in the behaviour of the people around you.”

“I don't understand.”

Orla’s smile was kind. “Did you tell Katie what you'd done?”

“No.”

“But she found out?”

Robert nodded. 

“And confronted you?”

Another nod. 

“What did you do?”

“I lied.”

Orla nodded, still smiling, and subtly nudged the box of tissues closer.

“What happened this time?”

“I tried to hide it,” Robert said. “I wanted to pretend it never happened.”

“And?”

“I felt so guilty. I hated myself. I still do. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to forget. But I couldn't. It's always there. Sometimes it hits me again. I remember and I feel sick.”

“Did he find out?”

“I told him. I couldn't bear it. I thought he'd leave.”

“Like Katie?”

“But he didn't,” Robert said, voice hoarse. “We fought. Days and days we fought. He wouldn't leave. Wouldn't let me leave. He said we had to fight for us if we wanted there to be an us. He forgave me.”

Orla sat quietly until Robert had composed himself.

“The difference, Robert, is that neither of you wants to give up. Both of you want this to work. You've found someone who you love more than ever before. You have to start believing he feels the same about you. He's not going to leave you when things get difficult. Not like the others.”

“I'm scared,” Robert said again.

“I know,” Orla said. “But it's Aaron you have to tell."

 

“We talked about Katie,” Robert said, relaxing ever so slightly when Aaron's hand curled around his own. 

“Are you okay?”

“Why did you forgive me?” Robert asked. “Not just this time. But for Katie. For Paddy. Everything I said and did.”

Aaron rested his cheek against Robert's shoulder. “Because I love you.”

“Aaron…”

“Because you try. I see you try every day. Even when we give you nothing back. Because whatever you say, I wouldn't be alive without you. About four times over. Because you deserve to be forgiven. I've always thought so.”

Robert's shoulders shook a little and Aaron pretended not to notice. 

“It's a beautiful sunset,” he said instead. “It always is here.”


	6. Chapter 6

_“Are you okay?”_

_Robert nodded quickly, trying not to think too much about what was happening. He didn’t need to think. He just needed to feel._

_“Yeah,” he said, eyes closed and leaning in again. He knew he was shaking, but it didn’t matter. It was just nerves. He wanted this. He wanted this so much._

_“Rob,” Tom laughed and closed the distance between them, kissing him again, pulling him close. He had a nice laugh, Robert thought, and nice hands. The way they felt in his hair, stroking and tugging, made his toes curl. He wanted everything Tom could give him._

_He slid his hands under Tom’s shirt and pushed it up, off over his head._

_“Easy,” Tom said, laughing again. “You’re eager.”_

_“I want this,” Robert said. “Please.”_

_The door behind them flew open, startling them both, then Robert found himself being hauled away from his bed and pushed across the room. His back hit the wall before he knew what was happening._

_“Dad!”_

_“Get out of my house!” Jack yelled at Tom, aiming a slap at the lad’s head as he propelled him out onto the landing and then down the stairs. “Get out and don’t come back you filthy little pervert. Taking advantage of my son. I gave you a job and this is how you repay me?”_

_Robert ran down the stairs after them, begging and pleading for Jack to listen, that he’d got it wrong, that it wasn’t what it looked like, that Tom hadn’t done anything._

_The door slammed behind the boy and Jack rounded on Robert, slapping his face to silence him before unbuckling his belt and pulling it free._

_Robert stared at him in shock, his heart racing as Jack grabbed his arm and turned him. He didn’t cry, even as the leather bit into his skin, he refused to cry in front of his father. He suffered every blow, repeating over and over to himself that it would end eventually, that it wouldn’t happen again. He would be the man Jack wanted him to be. He would be the son he should be._

_Just girls. Never boys. Prove it to him. Prove it wasn’t real. Show him that he was worthy of the Sugden name._

_Just girls._

_Never boys._

 

“Did you ever tell anyone?” 

There was a loose thread on his shirt cuff and Robert started to pull at it. He’d have to mend it when he got home. He liked this shirt.

“I told Aaron,” he said absently, focusing on the thread. “Last year, before I proposed. No one else.”

“Why not?”

“When’s a good time to sit your family down and tell them your dad beat you because he caught you kissing a boy?” Robert shrugged and looked up at her. “I was always the black sheep. They love him. Why spoil their memories of him?”

“Because you need support, Robert.”

“I have support,” Robert said. “I have Aaron. I have Vic. She doesn’t need to know what dad did.”

“But it might help her understand you,” Orla said. “It might help you both.”

“It won’t,” Robert said. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Doesn’t it?”

Robert went back to pulling at the thread. “No. I don’t care what he thought.”

“Why not?” 

“Because he was an idiot,” Robert said and smiled slightly. “He was an idiot if he thought there could be anyone in the world better for me than Aaron. If he thought there was a woman alive who could make me feel like Aaron can.” He shook his head. “You know sometimes I think about what would have happened if he’d still been alive. There’s a part of me that thinks I wouldn’t have taken the chance with Aaron if he’d been here. I’d have just married Chrissie and been miserable, sneaking off for depressing blowjobs from strangers in hotels while I was away on business. Thinking that what he thought of me mattered more than being happy. It doesn’t.”

“But you still want his approval.”

“Of course I do, he’s my dad,” Robert said with a bitter laugh. “But he’s dead so it’s not like I could ever get it anyway. Better to realise that if was a choice between his approval and Aaron, I’d pick Aaron every time.”

Orla smiled. “That’s a good way to look at it.”

“I don’t know why I care so much. He was always an idiot.”

“In what way?”

“He cheated on my mum,” Robert said. “I never understood how he could do that. And then I went and did the same thing.”

“Our parents are one of the biggest influences on our life, Robert. Learned behaviour…”

“But I hated him for it. I hated him. He hurt her so much. How could he do that if he loved her?”

“For many reasons, Robert. Just like we discussed last week.”

“She hadn’t even been dead a year.” Robert took a deep breath, then another. “He beat me. He made me ashamed of myself. And I didn’t even have my mum to hug me and tell me it was okay. I was all alone.”

“What did you do?” 

“Nothing. What could I do? I carried on. I pretended everything was normal. There was an accident. I…”

Orla waited but Robert couldn’t continue. 

“An accident?”

“Let’s not.”

“Okay,” Orla agreed. “You don’t have to.”

“I don’t want to be like him,” Robert said, eventually. “I did for so long. I wanted to be the head of the family. I wanted to be respected. _I do._ I do want those things. But I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to deceive people. I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to be the type of person who hurts his family.”

“I’m glad you can see that he wasn’t perfect,” Orla said. “And that you can love someone and still accept they’re not always right. You don’t have to change for him, Robert. Be who you are. Be who you want to be. Be proud of yourself.”

 

Robert drove home feeling freer than he had in a long time. Talking about Jack, admitting what had happened and working through his own complicated feelings made him feel lighter, as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was halfway through his counselling sessions now and he thought that maybe things were getting better. He and Aaron were talking more, not just about Robert’s issues but Aaron’s too. 

He parked at home and let himself into the house, checking his phone as he did so. There was a text from Aaron, letting him know he’d taken Liv up to the pub for tea and that Robert should join them when he got home. 

Robert smiled, answering that he’d just got in and would be there in a couple of minutes. He slipped his phone back into his jacket pocket and turned to head back out of the house. 

Rebecca was standing in the doorway when he opened it, hand raised to knock.

“Oh,” she said, surprised. “Hello.”

“What are you doing here?” Robert asked, half closing the door again, holding it like a shield in front of him.

“I thought we should talk,” she said, offering a tentative smile. “I saw Aaron and Liv at the pub so I thought it would be safe to come down.”

“I’m just on my way to join them,” Robert said, though honestly, he didn’t think he could move now. He couldn’t meet her eyes. He wanted Aaron to be there. When had he become this useless?

“I’ll walk up with you.”

“No,” Robert said. “I need you to leave.”

“I just want to talk, Robert,” Rebecca said. “I think you owe me that.”

Did he? Did he owe her a conversation? It had been weeks since he’d talked to her. The sight of her in the village was enough to fill him with dread. He didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want anything to do with her.

“I really need you to go,” Robert insisted.

“Please,” Rebecca said. “We’re friends, aren’t we? You said we were friends.”

Robert closed the door on her and locked it. 

“Robert!”

He took out his phone with shaking hands, his head spinning. He could hear Rebecca calling his name through the fog that descended and then he was hitting the floor, fingers curling against the wood, trying to ground himself. Rebecca faded away and his head was filled instead with his father’s voice, telling him how pathetic he was, how he ruined people’s lives, what a disappointment he was. 

He closed his eyes and breathed through it, counting to ten on each exhalation the way Aaron had taught him. He couldn’t let them see him like this. He couldn’t be a burden on top of everything else.


	7. Chapter 7

Robert didn't remember how he got to the sofa. It felt as though in the blink of an eye he'd moved from the doorway to the living room. His phone was ringing but not close by. He glanced around but couldn't see it. 

He heard the front door open just as the ringing stopped.

“Robert?”

Aaron. Just the sound of his voice made him relax.

“He fell down. I don't know where he went.”

Robert stiffened up again at the sound of Rebecca's voice. She couldn't come into the house. Aaron wouldn't let her. 

“What are you even doing here?” Aaron asked and Robert wanted to call out that he hadn't invited her. 

“I just wanted to talk to him,” she said. “I miss him.”

“I bet you do.”

“Aaron…”

“No,” Aaron said, cutting her off. “We're not friends. You can't sleep with my husband and then say you care about me.”

“It was all him,” Rebecca protested and suddenly Robert couldn't breathe. 

“Oh yeah? Forced you did he?” Aaron asked, calm and dangerous. 

“No, it wasn't…” Rebecca started to say and then stopped herself. Sighed. He could hear the smile in her voice. “You've got it all wrong.”

“No,” Aaron said. “You've got it wrong. You think you matter to us. You think you're important. But I told you before, you're nothing. So go away, Rebecca, and stay away because if you upset either of us again, it won't be me warning you off, it'll be Cain. And trust me you won't like what happens.”

The front door slammed and then another closed a little more gently. “Liv?”

“He's in here.”

Robert looked over in surprise, to see Liv leaning against the wall by the living room door.

“It's okay,” she said when he frowned. “Robert?”

Aaron appeared in the doorway, a look of relief crossing his face. 

“Are you okay?”

“I was on my way out to meet you,” Robert said in a rush. “She was just there. I didn't invite her.”

“I know,” Aaron said, urging Robert to sit down on the sofa. “I know. It's okay.” He looked back over at Liv. “Can you put the kettle on?”

Liv nodded and hurried away. Robert felt his heart breaking all over again.

“She knows now,” Robert said quietly. “She knows what I did.”

“Robert, she's not an idiot,” Aaron said, gently. “She’s known for a while.”

“No. She can't have,” Robert said. If Liv knew then there would have been screaming and crying. She’d have thrown him out of the house. She’d never talk to him again. “Nothing’s changed.”

“That's because I love you too, idiot,” Liv said, returning from the kitchen. “I'm angry at you. But I love you.”

Robert stood and moved away from them, pacing back and forth restlessly. “No. No. I have to go.”

“Robert, you need to sit,” Aaron said, watching him move around the room. “You had another panic attack.”

“No,” Robert argued. “I can’t have panic attacks.”

“Robert…”

“No! No. It’s not right. I’m the one who screwed up. I’m the one that hurt you. Both of you.”

Aaron stood and walked slowly towards him. “Robert, you have to calm down.”

“I have to go,” Robert said again, dodging round Aaron and past Liv. He spotted his phone on the floor in the hall and grabbed it. “I need some fresh air.”

He pulled open the front door without thinking and froze, for a second, afraid that Rebecca might still be there. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the drive was clear and rushed out through the gate and then down towards the river.

 

“How are you feeling this week?” Orla asked.

Robert could feel her watching him as he thought about it. “Weird.”

“Weird?”

He nodded. “Liv knows what happened. She said she’d suspected for a while. Not surprising, I suppose. She’s smart, that one.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

 

Robert made it as far as the cricket pavilion before he broke down. He collapsed onto the steps and put his head in his hands. He wanted to scream and cry and tear his hair out. It had been so long since he’d felt this uncomfortable in his own skin. He wasn’t used to feeling so powerless. He was always in control. He was always capable and confident. Hadn’t Aaron said that was one of things that had attracted him to Robert in the first place? And now he didn’t know who he was anymore. 

“Do you remember when Aaron was in prison, how you would always check on me every night?”

Robert’s fists tightened in his hair. “Liv, don’t.”

“You looked after me, Robert.” He felt her settle down next to him on the steps. “Every day. Every hug. Every joke. You got me through that.”

“You don’t have to do this.”

“I remember what you said. About deleting your mistakes.”

“Liv,” Robert protested, looking over at her finally. “There’s mistakes and then there’s this.”

“So why did you do it?”

“I’m an idiot.”

“Well, everyone knows that, Robert,” Liv said, nudging his shoulder with her own and then when he sat up properly, she rested her head on his shoulder. “You know we were all so busy with our own stuff, we never saw you were falling apart. You’re always so strong. You always have been.”

“I’m not strong,” Robert said, wrapping his arms around her like he had a dozen times, but tentative now, careful, in case she really didn’t want him touching her. “Aaron’s strong. You’re strong. I’m pathetic.”

“You take care of all of us,” Liv argued. “You messed up. Yes. So did Aaron. So did I.”

“Hey, you have done nothing…”

“If I’d told you straight away about the drugs, it wouldn’t have ever got to that stage,” Liv said. “It’s my fault.”

“No.”

“I know that’s what did it.” Liv looked up at him, and for the first time, he noticed that her eyes were red, like she’d been crying. “I know when you started acting weird. Then you and Chas fell out. I’m not an idiot.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” she told him. “I know.”

“How can you forgive me?” Robert asked. “How can he?”

“Because we love you, Robert. We’re a family. You, me and Aaron, yeah?”

He kissed the top of her head and held her tighter, only relaxing when he felt her arms tighten around him in return.

 

“Is it easier?” Orla asked when Robert finished talking.

He thought for a moment and shook his head. “No. It’s never easier. But it’s better.”

“Better how?”

“They know the truth and they love me,” Robert said. “I never believed that would happen. I thought I had to be perfect. I had to be the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect husband. When I’d make tiny mistakes everyone would be disappointed. So, when I made bigger ones I’d try to hide them.”

“And that’s added pressure,” Orla said, nodding. “Thinking you’re not allowed to make mistakes. And that adds to the thrill you get when you do something you know is wrong but you don’t get caught.”

“I hate people being disappointed in me,” Robert admitted. 

“But you believe they’re going to be either way.”

“So, I may as well prove them right.”

Orla smiled. “I’m glad you can admit it.”

Robert nodded and smiled slightly for the first time that session. “I’m a master of self-sabotage.”

“But now you have support from people who aren’t going give up on you,” Orla pointed out. 

“I still don’t think I deserve it.”

Orla nodded and waited for a moment before she spoke.

“Robert, whose opinion do you trust most?” 

“Aaron’s,” Robert said immediately.

“You believe what he tells you. You value what he thinks.”

“I know what you’re doing,” Robert sighed.

“Do you?”

“Yes,” Robert snapped. “You think that if Aaron believes in me I should trust his judgement, even if I can’t believe in myself.”

“Spot on.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Robert, when has any of this been simple?” she asked, smiling. “No, it’s not simple. But think about this. Of the two of you, who do you trust more? You or Aaron?”

Robert shifted uncomfortably. “Aaron.”

“And Aaron has forgiven you. Do you believe him?”

Robert nodded once.

“Then when he says you’re worth it, you have no reason to believe he’s not telling you the truth.”

 

“Do you ever regret meeting me?” Robert whispered later that night as they lay curled around each other in their bed.

“Not for one second.”

“You might have been happier without me.”

Aaron pressed his lips to Robert’s neck. “Not possible.”

“Aaron…”

“Trust me,” Aaron said. “You’re it for me. Always. There is no one else.”

The pain was back, filling Robert’s chest until he thought it might swallow him whole. He held tighter to Aaron and tried to believe him.


	8. Chapter 8

“I used to find reasons to go up and see him,” Robert said, shaking hands reaching out for the plastic cup full of water that Orla had set down in front of him. He had his back to the window today. He didn’t want to be reminded of the world outside. He was safe in here, for an hour. “Since I invested in the scrapyard I could make excuses, go and check the books, that kind of thing. I just wanted to be close to him.”

 

There were days that were burned into Robert’s memory, vivid and definite. He could remember how he’d felt, the sounds, the smells. Almost all of them involved death. Sometimes he would wake in the night from dreams of fire and smoke, coughing and retching, still feeling the heat on his skin. Or sometimes he’d dream of that day at the scrapyard and wake up in a panic, his heart-racing, reaching out for Aaron to check he was still there, still breathing.

 

“It was one of the worst days of my life,” Robert said. “And I’ve had some pretty bad ones.” He drank some water, careful not to spill any. “That whole week was just relentless.”

Orla didn’t say anything. Robert wondered if she knew already what was coming. 

“He collapsed in my arms. I was so scared. I felt like a kid all over again, watching my mum… This time I had to save him. No matter how scared I was, all I could think about was keeping him safe.” 

“What happened to him?”

“He cut himself.”

Robert knew the instant Orla understood him.

“He self-harms?”

“Yes,” Robert said. “I knew. I knew something bad had to have happened for him to be doing it. It had been so long.” He closed his eyes, forcing out the words. “I called him weak. Did I tell you that? I told him he was pathetic. He hurt me and I wanted to hurt him. Just like this time.”

Orla stayed silent, letting Robert speak. His thoughts were all over the place, jumping forwards and back.

“He’s not weak. He’s the strongest person I’ve ever known. He’s so brave. I’ve never known anyone like him before.”

“What happened this week, Robert?”

 

Aaron had returned from his counselling session on Thursday night, quiet and withdrawn. It happened sometimes, with both of them, and while Aaron knew to push Robert until he got a response, Robert knew to leave Aaron until he felt calm enough to talk. 

So, Robert cooked tea for the three of them and kept the conversation flowing with Liv so that Aaron didn’t have to pretend everything was alright and Liv wouldn’t be too worried. She offered to do the dishes and Robert happily whisked Aaron off to the living room, hoping he’d be ready to talk about what had happened that day.

“I think I’m going to have a bath,” Aaron said when they passed the foot of the stairs. 

“Okay,” Robert said, watching Aaron’s face for any sign of what he might be feeling, but Aaron kept his eyes averted and hurried away, leaving Robert feeling uneasy.

 

“His father used to…” Robert stopped, couldn’t bring himself to say that words. “He used to abuse him.” He blew out a breath, then another. “When he told me, I didn’t know what to do. I remember feeling utterly helpless. What are you supposed to do when the person you love more than anything tells you that? What are you supposed to say? How are you supposed to feel?”

Orla shook her head. “There’s no right answer.”

“There’s nothing to do. I wanted to make it all okay. I wanted to take the pain away, but it’s impossible. He bore it all for so long. Carried it with him through everything. And he’s still the best person I’ve ever known. It didn’t make him hard or cruel. I wanted to save him. I never expected him to save me.”

 

Aaron hadn’t returned to the living room after his bath. Robert waited as long as he could, giving Aaron as much space as he dared before going to find him. The bedroom was dark when he opened the door, the only light stealing in around the edges of the curtains, drawn against the setting sun. He could see Aaron curled up on his side under the covers.

Robert slipped off his jeans and shirt, sliding into the bed next to him. He knew not to touch, but he wanted to be close, offering support as best he could. He lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, and waited for Aaron to come to him.

 

“Have you ever talked to him about it?” Orla asked after another period of silence. 

“About what?”

“How you felt about what happened to him?”

“No,” Robert said, frowning. “Why would I do that? It’s not about me.”

“It affects you. What happened to him had an impact on you. It hurt you. In an entirely different way than it did him, but you suffered for it too.”

Robert shook his head quickly. “No.”

“Robert, in a relationship, things that affect one partner, affect both partners. Good and bad. You both have to be honest with each other about how your feeling.”

“I can’t expect him to support me when he’s the one who went through it.”

“You have to support each other, Robert,” Orla said. “That’s what being married means. That’s what a relationship of any kind means. The abuse Aaron suffered affects you, just as the abuse you suffered affects him.”

“I wasn’t abused,” Robert said immediately.

“Your father beat you,” Orla said gently. “He took his anger and frustration out on you. He punished you. Not sexually, but physically and emotionally.”

Robert shook his head, struggling to put Orla’s words together with what happened. 

“No, I- It wasn’t... It wasn’t anything like what Aaron suffered.”

“Robert, no two people ever have exactly the same experience. No two people suffer in the same way. It doesn’t make your experiences any less valid that Aaron’s. And what happened to you affects him. You need to talk to each other.”

 

It was Saturday night before Aaron was ready to talk. They’d spent a lazy day together, just the two of them; Aaron at one end of the settee playing on the XBox, feet kicked up onto Robert’s lap while he half-heartedly read his book and provided commentary on Aaron’s game. They ordered a pizza for tea because it was easier than cooking and watched a football match while they ate, sharing a couple of beers.

When it was over, Aaron switched off the TV completely and shiftedhis position until he was leaning against Robert’s side.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Robert asked, slipping his arm around Aaron’s shoulders.

“Being distant the past couple of days.”

“You don’t ever have to apologise for that,” Robert said, running his fingers through Aaron’s hair. “I know how difficult it is for you.”

Aaron leant into Robert’s hand. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Staying.”

Robert closed his eyes and tugged Aaron closer, pressing his lips to Aaron’s head. “There’s nowhere else in the world I’d rather be. No one I’d rather be with.”

Aaron nodded slowly. “Rachel said we might try a session together. If you’re up for it. If you want to. You don’t have to.”

“A counselling session? With Rachel?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Or Orla, I guess. If she’d do it.”

“But you’d be more comfortable with Rachel.”

“You don’t have to,” Aaron repeated.

“Yes, I do,” Robert said. “I promised. Whatever it takes.”

Aaron tilted his head up and smiled slightly. “I love you.”

Robert dipped his head and kissed Aaron gently, just brushing their lips together. “I love you.”

 

“I’m scared,” Robert said and breathed a sigh of relief when Orla nodded. “Is that normal?”

“Yes, I think it is,” Orla said. “You’ll mostly be talking to Aaron, though. Just be honest with him and with yourself. And then we can talk about it next week. Or not. That’s entirely up to you. But you should let him know that you’re nervous. He’ll be nervous. It’ll help you both to acknowledge that. The fact that you’re both willing to try is the important thing.”

Robert nodded, his thoughts already racing ahead to getting home and having the conversation. Aaron was the most important thing in his life and he was going to prove it, in whatever way Aaron needed him to, whatever the cost. 

“I can be brave for him,” Robert said, a promise to himself. “He’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to try for.”


	9. Chapter 9

Rachel’s room was a lot busier than Orla’s. There were bookshelves and plants and a huge comfy sofa. Robert hesitated in the doorway, glancing around quickly, before following Aaron inside. Rachel herself was younger than Orla was, probably closer to Chas’s age. She didn’t have the same veneer of calm that Orla offered but she was welcoming and friendly and so far hadn’t given any indication that she thought Robert wasn’t good enough for Aaron.

Aaron sat down in what Robert assumed was his usual seat and patted the cushion next to him nervously. Robert sat down next to him and rubbed his knuckles against Aaron’s thigh, reassuring him. Aaron gave a little nod and relaxed.

“Thanks for joining us today, Robert,” Rachel said. “I know this must be a bit strange for you, but I think it will really help you both in the long run. Aaron tells me your own counselling is going well?”

Robert nodded slightly. “I think so.”

“Good. And you’ve had exercises to try at home together?”

“Yes. They were helpful.”

“Excellent,” Rachel said, smiling widely. “That bodes well for today then.”

Robert clasped his hands together and shoved them between his knees. It was only ninety minutes. He could do this for ninety minutes. 

“This session isn’t about either one of you individually, it’s about both of you as a unit. That makes it a little different to a standard session. Is that okay for you both? There’s not going to be a lot of me. I’m just here to prompt and guide. I’m not your referee. I’m not here to take sides. Do you understand?”

Aaron and Robert both nodded, and Rachel smiled at them again, pleased.

She took two pieces of paper from a folder and handed one to each of them. 

“Before we start, could you each read the ten statements there and decide which one most accurately reflects how you feel? When you’ve chosen, remember the number and place the worksheet down on the table.”

Robert read the statements over twice, but he didn’t really need to. He put the paper down. Aaron’s followed almost instantly.

“Excellent,” Rachel said. “Now, please sit so you’re facing each other and not me. Make yourselves comfortable. Sit however you want to.”

Aaron pulled his legs up onto the couch, turning his body so he was facing Robert head on. Robert shifted back slightly to give him room and then mirrored him. Their knees brushed against each other. Aaron smiled slightly. Robert smiled back.

“Now, I just want to warm up with something easy. Aaron, tell me one thing you love about Robert’s face.”

They both laughed, startled. 

“His freckles,” Aaron said, grinning wide, eyes shining.

“Robert?”

“His eyes.”

“Aaron?”

“His smile.”

“Robert?”

“His smile.”

Their eyes caught and held, and they giggled together again.

“Great,” Rachel said, sounding almost as amused as they were. There was a shuffle of papers. “Robert, which number did you pick?”

“Three,” Robert said. He noticed something flicker in Aaron’s eyes.

“Aaron?”

“Three.”

Oh.

Rachel read statement three from the worksheet. “I sometimes fear that my partner will abandon me if he knows my deepest thoughts, either by leaving me, withdrawing his affection, or betraying me.”

Aaron’s hand twitched against his leg and Robert reached out instinctively to catch it, threading their fingers together.

“Robert, I’d like you to tell Aaron what that means to you.”

Robert swallowed and half glanced towards her, then back at Aaron. He knew his hands were shaking. He knew Aaron could tell how nervous he was.

“I…”

He trailed off, the lump in his throat silencing him as he fought to tell Aaron the truth. He looked at Aaron’s face, worried and waiting patiently for Robert to speak. Aaron who he loved more than anything, who he had to be brave for, who he had promised.

“I’m not good enough for you.”

Aaron frowned and shook his head, squeezing Robert’s hands tight. 

“Let him speak, Aaron,” Rachel said quietly, forestalling the denial that Robert already knew was on Aaron’s tongue.

“I’ve never been good enough for you,” Robert continued. “I’ve hurt you so many times and I don’t understand why you’re still here because no one else would stay. I’m a mess. I’ve always been a mess. All I ever do is hurt people. My dad knew it. Katie knew it. Andy and Chrissie and your mum. I’m so scared of you leaving me. I’m so scared that you’ll realise one day that you’re too good for me and you’ll leave and it’ll kill me. Because before you, it was like... It was like…” He struggled to find the words to explain, what it felt like meeting Aaron, having him in his life. “You know The Wizard of Oz?”

Aaron frowned. His eyes were full of unshed tears, jaw clenched as he listened to Robert. He nodded slightly. “Yeah?”

“Well the start of the film, that’s what life was like. Sepia toned. A huge empty plain with the occasional tornado.” 

Aaron smiled a little then and Robert smiled back, hopeful.

“And then I met you. And suddenly everything was technicolour and happy songs and something I wanted, something to aim for. And I never want to go back to that nothing place. I fucked it up. I know I did. Over and over and I was so lucky that you gave me a second chance, but I fucked that up too. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even want to. I felt so disgusted with myself. When I woke up and I knew what I’d done… I’ve never hated myself more than I did right then and every day since.”

Robert sucked in a breath as Aaron reached up to brush the tears from his cheeks, cupping his face reverently. 

“I love you, so much. I’m so sorry. Aaron, please, I’m so sorry. Don’t leave me.”

He started crying in earnest then, sobs wracking his body as Aaron pulled him close, wrapped himself around him, stroked his hands over Robert’s back.

“I was scared of this,” Aaron admitted, tightening his arms around Robert. “I was so scared you’d get bored, that you’d leave me. Everyone leaves me. I’m too much work. Too hard to love. And Rebecca, she’s easy, isn’t she? And I thought, one day you’d choose easy. Because why should you have to work so hard? I know you know how gorgeous you are, how charming you are. You could have anyone in the world. I don’t understand why you’d choose me.”

Robert made a noise, a whimper of distress, desperate to tell Aaron that there was no one who could compare with him. No one who could ever make him feel the way Aaron made him feel.

“It’s my turn,” Aaron said. “Listen to me. There is no one in the world that could mean as much to me as you. There is nothing, literally nothing, you could do that would make me stop loving you.”

“That’s how I feel,” Robert whispered. “Aaron, I’m so sorry.”

“So am I,” Aaron said. “For giving up. For making you believe I didn’t care anymore. I pushed you.”

“I shouldn’t have…”

“I know,” Aaron said. “Usually you push back. But I wasn’t there was I? I walked away.”

“Don’t do this. It wasn’t your fault.”

“We were both at fault,” Aaron said firmly. “We both made mistakes. We both messed up. It’s the past. It’s gone. We can’t change it. Do you think I didn’t lie awake every night, wishing I had just left it alone? Wishing that I hadn’t punched Kasim? Because then I would have been home with you, warm in our bed, kissing you and holding you.”

“You were jealous. I shouldn’t have spent so much time with her.”

“You’re allowed to have friends,” Aaron said with a sad smile. “Not her. Not now. But I shouldn’t have been so afraid of her.”

“She’s never meant anything to me,” Robert admitted. “I know that sounds awful, but she was never anything more than a warm body.”

“I know,” Aaron told him. “I know that.”

“I didn’t want her. I don’t. There’s only you. Everything I do is all about you.”

“I love you,” Aaron said. “I’ve never stopped.”

Robert leant in and kissed him, trying to say everything he couldn’t say with words, trying to pour every bit of love and hope and trust and need inside him into it. Aaron kissed him back, curling around him, passionate and furious and all-consuming.

When they broke apart, heads bent together, hands clasped once more, Robert felt stronger than he had in a long time. Something in his chest had released and now there was just Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, overpowering the shame and the hate.

“Guess we scared her off,” Aaron said quietly and a quick glance told him that Rachel had left them to it. 

“Can’t say I’m not pleased.”

“I should go and find her.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, nodding, “but in a minute?”

“Yeah,” Aaron agreed, kissing Robert’s forehead devotedly. “In a minute.”


	10. Chapter 10

The sun was shining and the birds were singing. Robert was lying on his back next to his mum’s grave, staring at the clear blue sky. Victoria sat next to him, making him a daisy crown to match the one currently adorning her head.

“Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think mum would have liked Aaron?”

“Of course she would,” Vic said, adding another daisy to the chain without looking up at him.

“No,” he said, rolling onto his side. “Really. I mean… would she have liked him?”

Vic looked at him, a slight frown on her face as she actually considered the question this time. “What brought this on?”

“That means no,” he sighed, shifting back to his original position. “It’s fine.”

“Oi!” she said, poking him in the stomach. “It does not mean no. It was mum. And it’s Aaron. She’d have adored him, you know she would. She’d have probably adopted him and then you’d have been utterly fucked.”

Robert smacked her knee with the back of his hand while she cackled.

“Dad wouldn’t have liked him,” Robert said, and Victoria shrugged as she went back to threading the daisies together.

“Dad didn’t really like anyone, did he?” Vic said. “He didn’t like Katie. He would have hated Adam.”

Robert twisted his face. “Well…”

“Oh no,” she said, wagging her finger at him. “You do not get to act like Adam isn’t good enough for me. After everything we’ve all been through. And you know what? If dad was alive and he hated Adam, you’d have been his best mate just to spite him.”

Robert chuckled slightly. “Yeah maybe.”

“Exactly,” Vic said. “Anyway, dad wouldn’t have liked Chrissie either.”

“No, I suppose not,” Robert said, thinking about it. “Aaron’s different though.”

A sly grin worked its way onto Victoria’s face. “Are we going to talk about how brilliant your husband is now? Are you going to tell me how much you love him and all the little things he does that make your heart go boom?”

“Shut up!”

“No chance, I have been waiting for this moment for two years, Robert Sugden. Tell me how dreamy his eyes are.”

“I hate you,” Robert laughed. 

Victoria flopped down next to him, stretched out on her front, and settled the daisy crown on his head. “No, you don’t.”

“Besides, you must have thought his eyes were dreamy at one point too.”

“Aww,” Vic said, amused. “Is big bro jealous I got there first?”

“You’re disgusting,” Robert said. “I’m disgusted.”

“You’re something, alright,” Vic said, reaching out to tickle him. He squirmed away, laughing and Victoria attacked him again. 

They ended up sitting opposite each other on either side of the headstone.

“She would have loved Aaron,” Victoria said seriously. “And she would be so proud of you.”

Robert nodded slightly, squeezing Vic’s hand when she reached out to take his.

“And more important than that, I’m proud of you. So, so proud of you.”

“Vic…”

“No, I am. You deserve to be happy, you know? I want you to be happy. You’re brilliant.”

She shook his hands until he looked up at her and she gave him her brightest smile. 

“Now, let’s go get a coffee and you can tell me all about the first time you realised Aaron was The One.”

 

“How old were you when your mother died?”

“Um,” Robert said, wishing he hadn’t brought it up. “Fourteen.”

“How did it happen?”

Robert closed his eyes and he could see the barn, the smoke, the fire. He could hear her screaming…

“There was a fire,” he said. “At the farm. She was trapped.”

“Robert,” Orla said, kindly, “I’m so sorry.”

He nodded quickly and then again more slowly. “Yeah. It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you.”

“I know,” Robert said, voice breaking. He slumped further down in his chair. “Shouldn’t it get easier, though?”

“Not without help,” Orla told him. “No one's that resilient.”

“It's just, I think about her every day. I mean it, there’s not one day of my life since I haven’t thought about her. Haven’t wondered what she’d think of me. Whether she’d be proud of me. I set so much store in what dad thought, but her’s was the only opinion that really mattered.”

“And what do you think she’d think? Of the man you are?”

Robert closed his eyes and pictured his mother. He saw her smiling at him, reaching out to give him a hug.

“She’s the only person I knew loved me before Aaron,” he said quietly. “I think she’d have been disappointed in me. All the cheating. The lies.” There was a flash of Katie again and bile rose up in his throat. “I’m not the person I want to be.”

“But you’re trying,” Orla said. “That’s all any of us can do, Robert. Anyone out there telling you they’re perfect is lying. We’re all messed up. We all do things to hurt people. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But we all do it. What matters is what we do after that.”

Robert thought about all of the times he hadn’t cared. The times he’d never blinked at doing something that would hurt someone, just to get what he wanted or get revenge or because he could. It was different now. He didn’t want to be that person anymore. He hadn’t for a long time.

“She’d have loved, Aaron,” Robert said with a half smile. “Vic was right about that. She’d have wanted to wrap him in cotton wool and feed him up.”

Orla smiled. “Would she have been happy? About you marrying him?”

Robert had thought of little else for the last week, so he gave a quick nod and a shrug. “Yes. She would have been happy for us. She’d have been there, front and centre with Chas. I miss her so much.”

Orla sat quietly while Robert cried. He cried for his mum, being taken away so quickly and so cruelly. He cried for Vic, losing her before she got to know her. He cried for Andy and his stupid, wretched mistake. He cried for himself, the boy who still missed his mum with an ache he didn’t think would ever fade.

 

“Tell me about her?” Aaron said, lacing their fingers together as they sat on the patio at the back of Mill Cottage. 

Liv and Gabby were lying head to toe on the grass, laughing at something Jacob was saying, though from where Robert was sitting that didn’t look to be what Jacob was aiming for. There was a lot more laughter now. Liv was happier, which made Aaron happier. Aaron and Liv being happy made Robert happier. 

He looked over at Aaron who was watching him with a gentle smile. “You don’t talk about her a lot. I know you miss her. I know you love her. She’s important to you. You should talk about her.”

“It hurts,” Robert admitted. “It always has. I try to think about the good stuff, but it’s all mixed up with Andy and dad and…”

“You must have a happy memory,” Aaron prompted, “of just the two of you.”

Robert thought back for something before the fire, before Andy.

“We made butterfly cakes once, at Christmas, for the school party.” 

Aaron grinned and squeezed his hand. “Did you wear an apron?”

“Of course,” Robert said. “But I was five so it basically covered every inch of me.”

Aaron laughed. “That’s amazing.”

“Why is it?” Robert asked, joining in the laughter, slightly confused.

“I don’t know,” Aaron said. “I just can’t imagine you as a kid. I would believe you’d sprung to life fully formed at twenty-eight if I didn’t know so many stories of you being a tearaway teenager.”

“Thank you.” He said it sincerely and squeezed Aaron’s hand in return. “She was kind. She loved us so much.”

“How were her butterfly cakes?”

Robert laughed again. “They were the best cakes ever.”

“Let’s go make some,” Aaron said, getting to his feet and tugging Robert up next to him. “You remember how, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Robert said, “but I haven’t made them since I was five.”

“Well, neither have I,” Aaron said, dragging him into the kitchen. “We can make them and you can tell me the whole story of that Christmas.”

Robert watched Aaron roll up the sleeves of his hoodie and grab the mixing bowl out of the cupboard. He could hear the kids laughing and playing outside in the evening sun. 

He had no idea how he’d gotten this lucky, but he knew he was never going to let it go.


	11. Chapter 11

It was a Saturday night, so Bar West was packed; hot and loud, and Robert felt out of place for more than one reason. Victoria, on the other hand, looked happy as she dragged a laughing Adam to the bar and waved Aaron away to find them a table.

Aaron was tense and he kept glancing at Robert as though he was expecting him to bolt any minute, which was just making Robert more uncomfortable.

"You alright?" Aaron shouted climbing onto a stool in a corner as soon as it was vacated by a group of women.

Robert sat next to him, nodding that yes he was fine. There was no point in trying to talk when music was already deafening.

“We don’t have to stay, you know?” Aaron said, leaning in to press his lips to Robert’s ear to make himself heard. 

“It’s fine,” Robert assured him. 

“We’ll just stay for one.”

Robert frowned but was prevented from answering by Victoria who set a bright blue cocktail down in front of him and a bright green one next to it, before hopping onto the seat beside him.

“What’s that?” he asked, wrinkling his nose at it. He pointed at the beer Adam had placed in front of Aaron since he still couldn’t be sure she could hear him. “How come he gets a beer and I have this?”

“It was two for one on cocktails,” Victoria yelled, giving his a quick thumbs up. She sipped her cocktail happily, head bopping in time to the music. “Oh, get it down your neck, will you? You can have a beer after.”

“We’re only staying for one anyway,” Aaron said.

“How come?” Victoria asked, looking disappointed. “It’s well nice in here. A woman at the bar gave me her number.”

Robert wasn’t entirely sure what was happening anymore. He made a start on his cocktail.

“Robert’s uncomfortable,” Aaron said, earning another frown.

“I am not,” Robert protested, but Aaron either couldn’t hear him or was purposefully ignoring him. Either way, Robert was irritated. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he told Victoria and slid off his seat, heading for the toilet. 

He stared at himself in the mirror while he was washing his hands and splashed some water on his face. This really wasn’t turning out the way he’d wanted it to.

 

“What were you expecting?” Orla asked.

Robert shrugged. “I thought it’d be just like everywhere else. It is. It is just like everywhere else.”

“But you felt uncomfortable.”

“I just don’t feel like I belong there,” Robert admitted, then ran his hands over his face and blew out a breath. “Aaron’s right isn’t he?”

“About what?”

Robert didn’t answer. “I’m married to a man. I love him. I don’t… I wouldn’t ever hide that from anyone. Not now we’re married. Not now after everything. I’m so proud to be married to him. You have no idea. Every time I walk into a room with him I want everyone to know that he’s mine and I’m his.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I’m not gay,” Robert said simply, as though confessing a secret. “I mean, I’m not like Aaron. It’s different. Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

“Why?”

“Because I’m bi,” Robert said. “I find both attractive. I always have. But Aaron... I feel like I’m letting him down somehow. Like I’m not everything he wants me to be.”

 

Someone stepped up to the sink next to him just as Robert turned off the tap.

“Haven’t seen you in here before,” the bloke said, his eyes giving raking up the length of Robert’s body. “I would have remembered.”

Robert gave an insincere smile and made to move past him.

“Hang on,” the bloke said. “What’s your name?”

“I’m married,” Robert said, trying again to get to the door.

“So? I won’t tell if you won’t.”

 

“What scares you the most?” Orla asked. “If it’s not you and Aaron. If it’s not what other people think.”

“I don’t know,” Robert said. “I used to feel guilty. Ashamed. To do that with a man. It was something I hated about myself.”

“And then Aaron came along.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah, then Aaron came along. And he changed everything for me.”

“You’re thirty-one years old, Robert. When did you say you were bisexual for the first time? Out loud.”

“I don’t know,” Robert said, thinking about it. “October, I think.”

“So less than a year ago. And how long were you and Aaron together before that? Officially.”

“About six months.”

“So in under eighteen months, you’ve gained a boyfriend, fiancee, husband and found a sexual identity that you’re comfortable with. You don’t do things by half, do you?”

Robert shrugged a little and laughed. “Not really.”

“Which is good. You decided what you wanted and you went for it. I can only applaud that. That’s actually what I would have hoped you’d do if you’d come to me last year.”

“But how do I stop feeling like this?”

“It’s going to take time,” Orla told him. “Your feelings have built up over the course of your life. They can’t be overcome overnight. You have to keep talking about them. Talk to Aaron. Talk to Victoria. They love you. They want to help you.”

 

“Not interested,” Robert said, losing patience. He made a third attempt to get to the door but was stopped this time by the man’s hands on his hips. Robert froze. 

“Oh, come on. Live a little.”

He was going to be sick. He couldn’t breathe. No, no, not. Not here. Not now.

Robert pushed the man aside with a little more force than necessary and bolted for the door, through the bar and up the stairs. He managed to get to the street before he threw up. He could hear people around him, laughing and jeering. He leant against the wall, rested his head against the stone and closed his eyes. 

“Robert?”

Aaron. 

“Were you sick? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Vic, get us some water, yeah?”

“I’m fine,” Robert said, firmer this time. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Aaron said. “Look at me, please.”

“Someone came on to me in the loo,” Robert said, looking up at Aaron like he'd asked. “I didn’t do anything I swear. He just wouldn’t let me leave and then he grabbed my waist…”

“He what?” Aaron said. “Who was it?”

“Mate, leave it,” Adam said from somewhere over Aaron’s shoulder. “Let’s just get him home, yeah? It’s not worth it.”

“No, no, I want a word with this bloke who thinks he can feel up my husband in a bathroom.”

“Aaron…”

Vic appeared beside him and pushed a glass of water into his hands. Robert washed his mouth out gratefully and then drank, before stumbling to his feet. Vic caught his arm and slid one of hers around his waist. 

“I’m not drunk. I’m fine.”

“You had a panic attack,” she said. “You’re not fine.”

Adam was still trying to prevent Aaron from going back inside the bar. 

“Can we just go home?” Robert asked. “Aaron. Please, can we go home?”

 

“You need to talk to Aaron about his feelings too,” Orla added. 

“Aaron hasn’t done anything wrong.”

Orla sighed a little. “And there’s that.”

“What?”

“This habit you have of taking all the blame onto yourself and acting as though Aaron is perfect. He’s not, Robert. No one is.”

“I don’t do that,” Robert said. “I know he’s got flaws.”

“I don’t mean drinking milk from the cereal bowl or not taking his shoes off at the door, Robert. He has his own ingrained opinions about your sexuality which are as damaging as yours about his. Neither of you is going to be able to overcome them alone. You have to sit down and work it out and understand that it might take a long time before either of you are comfortable.”

 

They all climbed out of the taxi outside Keeper’s. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Victoria asked Robert, rubbing his arms while Aaron paid the driver. 

“Yes, Vic, I’m fine,” Robert insisted. “I just need to go to sleep.”

“We’ll have to do it again,” Adam said, wrapping himself around Vic. “Maybe without this end bit?”

Robert nodded. “Yeah. It was good. Sorry about all this.”

“Don’t be silly,” Vic told him and leant up to kiss his cheek. “Go sleep.”

They said their goodnights and Robert and Aaron walked down to the Mill in silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

 

“I was trying to show him,” Robert said. “To prove to him. It’s still so difficult, all the time.”

“You can’t blame yourself for every little thing that goes wrong, Robert. Everything isn’t always going to go the way you plan. But, well, who did you wake up with this morning?”

Robert smiled slightly. “Aaron.”

“Were you touching? Is that how you sleep?”

Robert thought about they way they usually slept, curled up around each other, legs tangled together so that he wouldn’t kick Aaron in the night. That was Aaron’s excuse anyway.

“Yeah.”

“You’re a couple. You love each other. It has to be an equal partnership. Give and take.”

 

By the time they slipped into bed they still hadn’t said a word to each other and Robert didn’t know how to start to explain what had happened earlier.

“Is it the gay thing?” Aaron asked eventually. “You’re always so uncomfortable.”

“I was trying,” Robert told him. “I really was. I want to be better about it.”

Aaron nodded and rolled onto his side, watching him. “What else then?”

Robert sighed and rolled to face him. “It was me.”

“What was?”

“That bloke,” Robert said and then, on seeing the expression on Aaron’s face, reached out quickly to take his hand. “No, no. I mean, I used to be that guy. I used to be the type of person who’d ignore a wedding ring or tell someone - man or woman, it didn’t matter - that it didn’t count. That I wouldn’t tell. That we could have fun. Nothing serious. Just one night.”

Robert’s eyes were fixed on Aaron’s. 

“You know better than anyone.”

Aaron nodded, lips quirking slightly. “You must have said one-off about a dozen times.”

Robert smiled sadly. “That was just you. Only you. Forever you.”

Aaron moved closer, into the circle of Robert’s arms. “You’re not that person anymore.” He kissed Robert’s shoulder and then pulled back slightly so he could see his face again. “Actually you are that person.”

“What?”

“You’re that person and you’re this person. You’ve learnt something about yourself. You’ve changed the things you didn’t like.” He kissed Robert softly. “I am so proud of you.”

Robert rested his forehead against Aaron’s and caught his lips again in a tender kiss. “I love you.”

“I know.”


	12. Chapter 12

Robert woke when he felt the bed dip and he murmured softly, reaching out for Aaron. “Don’t go.”

Aaron pressed himself along Robert’s body and kissed his eyelids. “I’m not going anywhere. I just got back.”

Robert blinked his eyes open, smiling at Aaron’s face as he wrapped his arms around him. “Where did you go?”

“I made us a cup of tea,” Aaron told him. “Aren’t I a good husband?”

“You’re the best,” Robert murmured against Aaron’s lips, smiling as he was kissed awake. “It’s not even the weekend.”

Aaron ran his hands through Robert’s hair, watching him. “I thought you could do with spoiling.”

“Why?” 

“Oh, fine,” Aaron said and started to move away. “See if I ever do anything nice for you again.”

Robert grinned and pulled Aaron back, moving over him to settle between his thighs. Aaron grinned up at him and wound his arms around Robert’s neck.

“Sorry,” Robert said, dipping his head to kiss him. “I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful. Thank you for my tea, Mr Sugden.”

“You’re welcome, Mr Dingle.”

They kissed again, lazily, smiling into it. Aaron wrapped his legs around Robert’s hips and rocked up against him. 

They didn’t get around to drinking the tea.

 

“So, Robert,” Orla said as soon as he sat down opposite her. “It’s your last session today. How are you feeling about that?”

Robert had been wondering the same thing all week. The twelve sessions seemed to have passed in the blink of an eye. 

“It doesn’t feel like three months,” he said. “I can’t say I’ve enjoyed every second of it.” He smiled a little, not wanting to offend her. She smiled back and nodded. “It’s been... Good. Really good. To talk about everything. I think I’ve learnt more about myself in the last three months than in the first thirty-one years.”

“And that’s alright,” Orla said, as gently as always. Robert thought he was going to miss her a lot. “We’re a work in progress from the day we’re born to the day we die. Personally, I think you should be very proud of yourself and what you’ve achieved in such a short period of time.”

“I’m scared,” he confessed, looking down at his hands. “What if I mess up again?”

“Well, my job isn’t to prevent that,” Orla said, honestly. “But I think you’re in a better place than you were when you first came here. I think you know a lot more about why you do things and I think that’ll help you in the future. And if you think it might be helpful, you can always arrange something privately.”

“With you?”

Orla smiled but shook her head. “I’m afraid not. But I can recommend someone.” 

Robert hesitated slightly and then nodded. “Thanks. I think I need that.”

“I know it’ll be difficult, going over the same things again,” Orla told him. “But it’s actually a good thing. It’ll help you see how your feelings have changed in just the few weeks we’ve been doing this.”

“Have they?”

Orla nodded. “Do you remember what your goal was when we started this?”

 

_“I’d like to be able to look at my husband without hating myself.”_

 

Aaron was doing the dishes. Robert leant against the kitchen doorframe and watched him, sipping on his glass of wine. No one should look that good up to their elbows in soap suds and dirty plates.

Sensing his presence, Aaron glanced over his shoulder and smiled at him. “What are you doing?”

“Watching my husband,” Robert said, walking over to him. He set his wine glass down on the counter and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s waist. “My gorgeous husband. Doing the dishes.” 

Aaron chuckled as Robert nuzzled against his neck.

“Housework does it for you, eh? Then why don’t you do any of it? Or is it just me doing the housework that gets you going?”

“Everything you do gets me going.”

“I see.” He pulled off the rubber gloves and turned in Robert’s arms. “Two minutes and I’m done.”

“I can’t wait two minutes,” Robert said. “You’re so sexy. I want you right now.”

“In the kitchen?”

“You say that like we’ve never done it in the kitchen before.”

Aaron laughed. “Not like this though.”

“Well, it’s about time we started don’t you think?”

 

“Do you think you’ve achieved that?” Orla asked.

Robert thought about it and nodded slowly. “Yes.” He frowned. “Yes, I do think so.”

“You don’t look very happy about it.”

“No,” Robert said. “It just seems too easy. I haven’t thought about it much these last few days. We had a great weekend. We went into Leeds, the three of us. We went to the pictures. Had a meal. Sunday we were in the pub all day with Chas. She even gave me a hug. It all felt like it did before.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

Robert shrugged. “I guess. Yes, of course, it is.”

“But?”

“Don’t I deserve more punishment?”

“You’re punishing yourself.”

“Yes and if I stop, if I forgive myself, then what? What happens? I’m scared to let it go.” 

“Robert, it’s always going to be with you. It’s something you did and I understand that it’s important that you remember these feelings. I think you should start to look at it as a chapter in your life that has come to an end. Aaron’s time in prison. Your relationship, such as it was, with Rebecca. That’s over. And it was followed by this chapter, where you’ve faced up to your issues, you’ve sought help, you’ve focused on being better and fixing your relationship with Aaron and Liv. Now that’s coming to an end too. When you leave here you’re starting a whole new chapter. Yes, it’s terrifying, but isn’t it also exciting? For you, who loves the danger and the excitement, this has to be the ultimate thrill.”

Robert laughed. “Having no clue what I’m doing?”

Orla nodded. “Yes. But with your family behind you no matter what.”

 

Robert sat in his car, waiting for Aaron to finish his session with Rachel. The radio was on and he was texting Liv who was apparently getting up to all kinds of mischief with Noah and swearing up and down that it wasn’t her fault. Robert chuckled as he answered her latest text. At least this way she’d never be able to tell how amused he was. 

The passenger door opened and Aaron dropped into the seat, leaning across to kiss Robert’s cheek. “Hiya.”

“Hi. How was it?”

“Yeah, it was good,” Aaron told him. “Could we drive the long way home?”

Robert nodded and started the car. They didn’t speak; Robert waiting, as always, for Aaron to open up to him about his session.

Ten minutes into their drive Aaron switched off the radio and Robert braced himself.

“I told her what Orla said to you,” Aaron said, surprising Robert. “About one chapter ending and another one starting. She asked whether I thought it would help me.”

“Would it?”

“That’s just the thing,” Aaron told him. “I already do that. I’ve split my life up into chapters for years. Before mum left. Gordon. Coming back to the village. Coming out. Jackson. Ed.”

Robert listened carefully and reached out to take Aaron’s hand to offer what comfort he could.

“The thing is,” he continued, “if we’re sticking with the metaphor, that all feels like book one. That was the set-up. Book two, that’s when I met you.”

Robert could imagine the chapters. Meeting. Affair. Death. Affair....

“You have that look on your face,” Aaron said, interrupting his thoughts. “The one that says you think you know what I'm saying when actually what I'm saying is that book two is bigger. It’s more important. Because it’s you. There is nothing more important than you.”

Robert felt tears prick his eyes and he blinked them back. “Aaron-”

“But book two is done now. Book two got us here and all the lies and secrets and heartache, that’s all out in the open. We’ve been through it and come out the other side together, stronger than we ever were apart.”

Robert pulled the car over to the side of the road, grateful that there wasn’t any other traffic. 

Aaron reached out and stroked Robert’s cheek. “Book three starts now. The stories converge. From now on it’s not me or you, it's us. It's our story.”

Robert closed his eyes and leant into Aaron’s hand. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“I know,” Aaron said, making Robert laugh. “And you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Robert wasn’t sure he believed it. He didn’t know if he ever would believe it. But right now, sitting there watching Aaron’s perfect face, glowing with love for him, Robert allowed himself to hope.

“I know,” he said, like a promise, and sealed it with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say the biggest thank you to each and every person who has read, commented, kudosed or messaged me about this fic. I am extremely grateful for all the support and encouragement. 
> 
> 12 sessions definitely aren't enough to scratch the surface of all of Robert's issues or cover everything he'd been through. He could have spent 12 weeks just talking about his mother's death or his father's abuse or Katie or his marriage. I tried to cover as many of the biggest things affecting him as I could. When he begins his private counselling sessions he'll be able to delve deeper into everything.
> 
> I'm [misswhimsy](http://misswhimsy.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr if you'd ever like to chat.


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